


Bloom in Grace

by Aseikh



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Questioning, RA Fanfic Challenge, RA Fanfic Challenge #3 (Ranger's Apprentice), Trans Alyss Mainwaring, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, trans awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:27:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25919566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aseikh/pseuds/Aseikh
Summary: Alexander Mainwaring has been in the Redmont ward since he was a baby. He has grown up with his fellow wardmates, Will, Horace, George, and his best friend Jenny, and they've always gotten along well. When Alex finally meets the Redmont Head Courier, he is confronted with feelings that he wasn't prepared to deal with. (Trans!Alyss)
Relationships: Jennifer "Jenny" Dalby & Alyss Mainwaring, Pauline duLacy & Alyss Mainwaring
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20
Collections: RA Fanfiction Challenge #3





	Bloom in Grace

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! I've always considered writing a piece like this, so I figured this was my chance. For the record, I AM NOT CIS. Some of the feelings I include in this are based off my experiences. Let me know what you think of this!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who participated in this challenge!

“Alexander, let’s go!” Alex looked up at the call, not sure where it was coming from. It sounded like one of the other wards in his year, but he couldn’t have been entirely sure because he hadn’t heard it that clearly.

“Hello?” he yelled back, frowning. He put down the spade he was holding and stood up, taking care to not step on the flowers he had just helped some of the caretakers plant. They had already walked off, but Alex had noticed that one was leaning over, and he had bent to fix it when he heard the call.

“Alex, come on!” the voice called again. That was when he recognized it—it was one of the fellow boys in his year, the one he thought was kind of cute … not that he had ever told him that. “We’re gonna be late for Jenny’s presentation!”

Looking quickly at the ground, Alex made sure that the rest of the flowers were looking better before he scooped up his tools. “Just a sec!” he responded, hoping that they had heard him. He went and put his tools in the gardening shed and locked it, pocketing the key that the caretaker had allowed him to hold onto for the day. But he did have to hurry—they had all promised that they would be there for Jenny’s presentation to Baron Arald to show their support. Alex jogged towards their dormitory, slipping past one ward so that he could change before going. He was covered in dirt from gardening, especially at his knees, and it wouldn’t be acceptable to attend a presentation with the Baron and some of his craftmasters looking like a mess—especially when one could be his future mentor.

“Let’s go,” another voice yelled, this one another boy in their year. He was also handsome, brown hair and sky blue eyes, but he was also fairly mean to the other boys and Alex, so he wasn’t the biggest fan of him. “We’re going to be late.”

Struggling with his trousers, Alex quickly kicked them off and threw on some cleaner ones. Except—he must’ve had a growth spurt recently, because the end of the trousers came up to his ankles, showing his socks. His other pants were longer, but they weren’t dress pants. He would have to deal with it.

“Alex, seriously,” the other boy stuck his head into their shared room, just as Alex grabbed his jacket and threw it over his shoulders.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he said, shaking his head. “Let’s go.” Slipping out of their room, he noticed the other two boys waiting for him in the shared common area for their year. The two others smiled at him, before standing to leave.

Together, Alex and the rest of the boys headed for the main keep, nodding to the one guard who was standing there. One of the boys, George, stepped forward and opened the door for the rest of them, smiling happily as they all walked past him. Alex was the last one, and he murmured a quick “Thanks George,” before following the two others.

Silently, they all walked up the stairs to the top floor, where Jenny was sitting on a bench outside the office, legs swinging in anticipation. At seeing her other wardmates, she squealed. “You all made it!!” she jumped up from her spot, throwing her arms around the closest boy’s neck—who happened to be Will.

He laughed, hugging her tightly and spinning her. “Of course we’re here,” he said. His smile was genuine, and Alex felt his heart flutter.

Jenny released Will, going for the next one. Horace. He hugged her back, but didn’t spin her like Will had. George was next, but knowing his boundaries, Jenny simply shook his hands enthusiastically, squealing. Then, she practically threw herself at Alex. They were close, the two of them, and Alex had confided a lot of different things to her, including his feelings towards Will. They often stayed up late at night together, talking in Jenny’s room before Alex would be found and escorted back to the boy’s dormitory for the rest of the night.

Just as Jenny released Alex, someone walked around the corner, laughing loudly. “Well, well, looks like you’re all ready, then?” It was the Baron, a large, wide grin on his face. Alex noticed that he always seemed to be happy to see the wards, and was constantly encouraging them to follow what they were interested in. “Come in, come in,” he said, opening the door himself before his secretary could do it, and ushering the kids inside.

Already inside, a few people stood at the door opening, greeting the baron and making room for the kids. Some chairs were set up in the back for them, while chairs on the side were occupied by a few craftmasters. The room was pushing capacity, but for a ward’s presentation, that was really saying something.

Alex’s eyes were immediately drawn to someone sitting near the baron’s desk. It was the Head Courier from her uniform, and Alex found that he couldn’t take his eyes from her. Somehow, the two of them had never managed to cross paths until then, and Alex had only heard stories or mentions of her from passing apprentices or former wards. From what he had known, she was a basically a goddess to the other couriers. Her long blond hair was coiffed just at the nape of her neck, and the uniform was pure white, with not a spec of dust or mud on it. Her legs were crossed at her ankles, and her hands were resting in her lap as she greeted the baron with a graceful smile, laughing at one of his bad jokes. Her face was beautiful, with delicate features and pale skin. She had hazel eyes, and something in them told Alex that while he had been studying her, she had already studied him and knew everything she needed to know about him.

She was amazing.

For the rest of the time that they were there, Alex found that he couldn’t take his eyes off of the courier. Her name was Pauline, he learned from another craftmaster that she was sitting next to. She was young for a craftmaster, Alex noticed, but apparently she had been around longer then some of the others. She was a close confidant of Arald, and Alex loved everything about her that he saw. He couldn’t even remember what Jenny’s presentation was about, so he hoped that she didn’t end up asking him about it later that night.

Halfway through the presentation, Alex found his eyes being drawn once again to Lady Pauline, but this time, when he looked over at her, she was staring back. She had a look in her eyes that he couldn’t read, but now that they were staring at each other, he wanted to see if she would do anything. But all she did was tip her head at him, as if considering him and his wide eyes, before giving him a small, barely noticeable smile, and looking back at Jenny.

Cheeks burning, Alex quickly looked away now that he had been noticed. There was a weird feeling in his stomach, one that he couldn’t puzzle out. It wasn’t like when he looked at Will, when he got butterflies in his stomach and all he wanted to do was spend time with him. No, this feeling was different. Alex wanted to know more about Lady Pauline, know her story. He wanted to learn everything about this gorgeous woman, not so that he could approach her—oh gods, no, there were too many years separating them. It was something else.

Alex sat pondering this feeling for the rest of the presentation, staring at his knees, or Jenny’s dress—the one he picked out for her, his favorite one—or literally anywhere else other then Lady Pauline.

* * *

“So it’s not the same feelings you have around Will?” Jenny asked, frowning and tapping her chin. Jenny was standing in front of Alex, who had collapsed onto her bed and gushed out everything he had been feeling during the presentation before Jenny could even say anything. Jenny at first had teased him for falling for an older woman, and that maybe he wasn’t only interested in other boys after all. That was when he was forced to explain that it was different. It wasn’t the same.

“No, it’s not,” he moaned, staring up at the ceiling. He looked around Jenny’s room. Being the only girl in their year, she had a large room all to herself, whereas the boys dorm for their year was crammed with four beds. They were all nearly on top of each other in that room, one of the many reasons why Alex often hung in Jenny’s room until they were all asleep. His bed was across the room from Will’s, but it was still incredibly awkward for Alex.

Jenny started pacing in front of him, her nightgown fluttering at her ankles. “Well, what’s it like?” she asked, looking back at him. “If it’s not like how you feel around Will, then what’s the difference?”

Alex was silent for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling as he considered that question. He’d been thinking that over too, and the conclusion he’d come to was … well, he didn’t know how to feel about it. “Well,” he started, sitting up on her bed, and moving so his back was against the wall. He brought his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them as he thought over his words. “It’s like. She was so … so beautiful and elegant and confident, and everything about her was … was inspiring, I guess? It’s like—it’s less like I want to be with her,” he trailed on, mumbling his words. As he spoke, Jenny stopped her pacing and went to sit on the edge of her bed with him. “It’s less like I want to be with her,” he repeated, “and more like—more like I want to figure her out. Unravel how she got to where she was, figure out how she does everything she does and follow in her footsteps. I just—I don’t know what it is, Jen, but I just couldn’t take my eyes away from her.”

A few murmurs came out of Jenny’s mouth as she listened to his words, and silence fell between them. Neither of them knew what to say, he guess, because he definitely didn’t know where else to go from there.

“So, it’s less like a crush,” Jenny suddenly said, “and more like … like …” she seemed to be searching for her words before saying them, not looking at Alex. “More like you want to be her?”

Be her. Alex repeated those words in his head, wondering if those were the feelings. Jenny was definitely on the right track, he felt. It wasn’t that he wanted to be with her, but he wanted to know her. To be her.

Jenny was right.

But even as he landed on that conclusion, he knew that it wasn’t possible.

“Even if that’s it,” he murmured, “it’s just another one of those stupid emotions that I can’t do anything about,” he said. The moment he had realized he had a crush on Will, he knew it wouldn’t be accepted. Two boys together? It was unheard of. He knew it was more likely someone would hurt one or both of them, and Alex didn’t want that to happen. So he kept quiet about it. And this—wanting to be Lady Pauline, essentially wanting to be a woman … that was probably even more taboo then a boy liking another boy.

It just wasn’t a thing.

Jenny looked at him, thoughts racing just behind her eyes. Alex didn’t say anything, couldn’t even find it in himself to meet her gaze.

Then, she said something that he hadn’t expected. “Do you want to try?” she asked quietly.

“Try what?” he asked back, not quite understanding what she was saying. ‘Try’ to be a woman? How would that even work?

“Well, to at least dress like her,” Jenny said. She hopped off her bed, going to rustle around in the trunk against the wall where she kept all her clothes and dresses. She searched around for a bit, pulling out a white dress that was slightly smaller then Jenny’s size. “One of the seamstresses messed up when taking my measurements, so I got a few dresses that are too small for me. They’re too long and brush on the floor, and the waist is too thin.” Jenny walked over with the folded up dress in her hands. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but if it’s something you want to try, then we can.”

Alex stared at the white dress in his friend’s hands for a moment or two. It wasn’t a courier uniform, no, just a standard white dress. When he didn’t respond right away, Jenny set the dress down on the corner of the bed and turned back to her chest. “I hadn’t given them back yet because they’ve been pretty busy,” Jenny explained, “but now that I think about it, I think they’d be around your size. Maybe still a little loose, since you’re so skinny, but they’d be long enough.” As she spoke, she pulled out two other dresses. One with a white skirt and blue top, and another one that had a cream colored skirt and a brown top.

Hesitantly, Alex unfolded his legs and reached forward, fingering the fabric of the white dress just in front of him. Is that what he wanted? Was it really just … envy? Envy for the grace and poise of the lady courier, how she acted and how she looked? Who she was? Or was it something more, like Jenny seemed to be implying.

But before he could let himself even get the temptation, he said back. “Jenny,” he murmured, “this is sweet, but—but I can’t wear these. I’m a boy, and boys don’t wear dresses. Even if I became a courier, I wouldn’t wear the same uniform, and I would probably work in a different branch.” He shrugged.

Jenny stared at the dresses, putting the other two she was holding down beside the white one. Once again, she formed her thoughts before speaking. “Well, they’re just pieces of cloth,” she said, feeling one of the other dresses. Alex had felt the fabric—it was soft, and it would tickle at his ankles to feel. But he thought about not having to wear trousers, instead wearing a skirt. Surprisingly, he didn’t immediately dismiss the idea. He had always thought that dresses looked comfortable.

He stared at the pieces, considering everything. Then, he looked back up to Jenny, who was staring at him with love in her eyes. They were the best of friends, and she had always been supportive of him no matter what he said. When he explained his feelings for Will to her, instead of judging him, she started gushing about how she thought he was cute too, but that John, a boy in the year below them, was truly a heartthrob. And now here they were again: Alex confessing something that others would harass him for, only to be met with love and support from Jenny.

Slowly, he picked up the white dress, raising it up so that he could get a better look at it in the dim lighting of the room. It was a simple white dress with ties on the chest, a high collar that barely showed off the wearer’s collar bones and long sleeves. He pictured himself wearing it—and in his mind, he saw that he had long hair while wearing the dress, brushing his shoulders in gentle, golden waves.

Was that really what he wanted?

* * *

Alex walked past the keep, hands stuffed into his pockets. It was a week after Jenny’s presentation, she’d gotten a high grade on it, and Alex was still thinking about their talk. He hadn’t tried the dresses on, but he had asked Jenny if they could come back to it later. She said of course, and put the dresses back, before flopping on the bed and bombarding him with questions about what he thought of her presentation.

Now, he was headed to the kitchens to ask Master Chubb for some broth—George was falling ill, and the broth would be good for him. As he walked by, though, the door opened suddenly, and out walked two people Alex didn’t want to see. Lady Pauline, so graceful, so composed, just as the first time he had seen her, and the Ranger Halt—dark, frowning, and constantly glaring. Knowing he shouldn’t not acknowledge them, Alex nodded and murmured a polite “good morning” as he continued to walk quickly by them.

“Excuse me,” a voice called after him, stopping him in his tracks. He didn’t know the voice, but knew it wasn’t Ranger Halt talking, so he immediately knew that it was the only other person there: Lady Pauline.

Alex turned slowly, looking over his shoulder at her. Just as he did, Halt murmured something to her, and she nodded to him. The Ranger looked at Alex, dark eyes telling him nothing, before simply turning and vanishing in the shadows of the keep. He gulped.

“My dear, you were at young Jenny’s presentation last week, correct?” she inquired, stepped towards him. Somehow, there was no dust on the edges of her pure white dress, despite Alex’s trousers being absolutely caked due to the dry weather they were having.

He felt his cheeks heating up, but he ignored it. “Yes, my lady,” he said quietly, looking down at the ground. “Jenny is my wardmate,” he added.

Lady Pauline considered him again, giving him the same look he had noticed that day in the Baron’s office. Like she was sizing him up. “Did you have something you wanted to ask me?” she said, brushing at her skirt. But, same as before, there wasn’t anything on it. Alex finally looked up at her, noticing that her hair was loose today, with locks of silver blond hair framing her face. “You seemed like you had something on your mind, then.”

He searched for what to say, unable to think of anything. He remained silent for a moment, but the lady continued to stand in front of him, looking down at him. Pauline was a tall woman, at least six foot, compared to Alex who was still growing. He was a few inches shorter then her, so he guess they would be around the same height whenever he finished growing.

“I …” he tried to say something, anything. But his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, his lips were dry, and he knew his voice would crack if he tried saying too much. “I just …” but he couldn’t. He couldn’t say anything. His cheeks reddened even further, and he looked away from her completely. Now that he was speaking to her, closer to her, it was easy to figure out his feelings, especially because Jenny already led him in that direction.

He was absolutely in awe of Lady Pauline—he’d asked around about her, had gotten so many stories and impressions of her, and all it had done was further prove to him that his friend hadn’t been wrong. He loved the courier, solely because she had shown him who he wanted to be when he grew up.

Pauline tipped her head at him, similar to how she had done in during the presentation. “My office is on the third floor,” she suddenly said, “Last door on the left. Don’t feel obligated to come, but if you ever want to talk, my door is always open,” she said. Then, she simply nodded to him, and turned back into the keep.

Alex watched her as she went, swallowing hard.

He had to talk to Jenny.

* * *

“So what do you think?” Jenny murmured, staring at him. Another week had passed before Alex had gotten the courage to bring up the dresses to Jenny.

Two weeks of dealing with this weird feeling. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it wasn’t just two weeks. It was just two weeks since he’d noticed the feelings. He had always been envious of Jenny in her dresses, hating how dirty his trousers got because he was always being pulled into games that he didn’t want to play. No one did that to Jenny.

The more he thought about it, the more things came out that he realized had been bothering him. He hated having short hair, and often asked Jenny if he could brush or braid her hair, loving the feeling of the long locks in his fingers. He hated rooming with Will, Horace, and George, not because of his crush on Will, but because he had always felt more comfortable in Jenny’s room, with his friend.

Even when people called out to him—he didn’t like the sound of his name, the suddenness of masculine pronouns. ‘Alexander’ was too long, but ‘Alex’ sounded wrong. He wanted a softer name.

Alex—or, whoever they were—stared at themself in the warped, dirty mirror. Jenny had gotten it from a lady who had moved out of Redmont to live with her husband at Caraway. It was old, so she had donated it to the ward since mirrors were considered a luxury, and there weren’t many for them. Being in one of the older groups, Jenny received it, but she often had younger girls coming to use it to make sure their makeup or dress looked correct. Alex wanted to be apart of that group.

The dress hung off them, the chest being fairly loose. He had nothing to fill it out, and when he realized that, it felt … weird. He had assumed it would fill out, like it did for Jenny. It had taken him a moment or two to realize that he didn’t have the … parts … to fill it out. She was right about the length, though—it went right to his ankles, the perfect length. The sleeves were a little short, not making it past his wrists, and the waist loose, but even as he considered his reflection, it slowly dawned on him that … that he liked it.

“I love it,” he whispered, turning in front of the mirror. The skirt swished around his body.

He loved everything about it.

* * *

“You’re interested in becoming a courier?” Pauline repeated, staring at him—her? Did he want to try feminine pronouns?—from across her desk.

Alex—or whatever his name was—nodded. “Y—yes. I noticed you during Jenny’s presentation, and I—I guess I never realized what a courier was, since I’d never seen you before. I know I’m not of age to be selected yet, but I was still interested in learning more from you about what being a courier is.”

Lady Pauline nodded slowly, a sly smile curling her lips. “Of course, my dear. Now, you’re Alexander Mainwaring, correct? You’d work under my colleague, Carson, who would be delighted to take another student on. He would teach you—”

“Oh, actually,” they broke in. Their lips were dry. “I was—I was wondering if I could learn from you.”

“Oh?” the lady said, looking at them. She tipped her head. “Well, the training is different for boys and girls, so I’m not sure if that would be possible, my dear.”

This is it. Al—all they knew was that they wanted their name to start with Al, since they liked it and Jenny often called them that anyways—had practiced saying this to Jenny for another week, terrified of how Lady Pauline would react. But, if they wanted anyone to know other then Jenny, for now, they wanted it to be Lady Pauline. They wet their lips with their tongue. “Well,” they started to say, “I—I—I would prefer—prefer to …” They couldn’t get it out. They couldn’t.

“Prefer?” Pauline asked, frowning slightly.

“Prefer …” Al trailed off, looking down at their feet. “I would prefer to be seen as a girl,” they whispered.

Silence.

Silence surrounded them in the office, Lady Pauline not saying anything. For a long while, Al kept their eyes on their feet, not wanting to see Pauline’s face. Was she disgusted? Was she confused? Would she understand?

“I see,” her soft voice said into the quiet. “Would you like me to refer to you with a different name, then?”

Al’s head whipped up, not quite believing what they were hearing. But now that they were looking up at Pauline—all they saw was interest. “I—yes, but I—I don’t know what name.”

Pauline nodded slowly, then asked “Would you like me to use feminine pronouns? She and her and the like?”

Al nodded quickly, feeling tears at the corners of her eyes. Hearing them out loud … she knew. She knew it was right. Of everything she was expecting, despite taking this leap, she hadn’t expected this. She didn’t even know Lady Pauline, and yet.

And yet, here they were.

Now, Pauline smiled widely, reaching a hand across her desk for Al to take. She reached out, taking it, and immediately Al felt Pauline squeeze her hand tightly. “I think I can help with that.”


End file.
